I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
my shit smells like andre
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
