Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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