It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
