I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
