you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
There are leaves in my underwear?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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