i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
