Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
