I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
