my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
