talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
