he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
