I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
is wine microwaveable?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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