tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Bring me that man meat
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