i permit you to call me
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
