Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
