i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
