I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You are a genius and a whore.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
