It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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