The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
