remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
How external is "for external use only"?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
