I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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