Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
