The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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