I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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