I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
