Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
