do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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