just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize