Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
