When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
