I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
