her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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