Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
