I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
