Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
