you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
there is glitter all over my balls
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
