Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Randomize
