Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
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Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
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Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm getting married
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho