Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
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i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
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god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.