Where is the hickey?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
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My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon