i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
