i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
