i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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