I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
