we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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