If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
