He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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