Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
smell my finger.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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