you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
