It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
