.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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