you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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