The best revenge is premature balding
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
