What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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