Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
