Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
