Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
