This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I am midnight drunk by noon
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
