she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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