Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
